One of the most challenging traits I received from parents is making contact. This past weekend I spent some time connecting with some of my children. My son who is in the process of preparing himself for a Marine Corp enlistment was out on a road march. I was at the finish line camera in hand taking more pictures then he would like. I posted some of the better pictures on Face Book for others to see the obvious effort going into his training. I also spent some time this weekend writing a letter to my daughter. Yes writing. Well ok I typed it but you get the idea. The letter will go in the mail today and she will get it by the end of the week. She is away working all summer so I do not see or hear much from her. But I do think of her and try to connect in small ways. I also spent some time with my oldest watching “Top Gear (British version) on YouTube. He and I enjoy the videos and it gives me a little of his time and him a little of mine.
Another I did this past weekend was attending holiday celebration with many of the families on the street where I live. This has sort of become a tradition and every summer we get together and share the happenings on the street, eat too much, and shoot off fireworks. So I made a comment on Face Book that the time spent was good and fun was had by one and all. I received a few positive comments back except one. The comment asked “what a bot mom and pop”. I found it an interesting comment in that my parents are 1100 miles away.
So here is the meat of this posting. The connections with parents and many in the family were often challenging when I lived at home. Once I moved away the connections just about completely disappeared. My mother visited once in a 20 military service period. My father never did. Most but not all of my siblings never visited during the years I was not living in or next to the county where we all grew up. This time around I have been out of the home county area for 8 years and true to form the majority of my family does not visit or attempt to stay connected with me. For those few that do attempt we reciprocate and enjoy their visits greatly. For those family members that do not attempt connection we drift apart. I suspect this is a very normal result of people living lives separated by long distances.
The part that gnaws at me is the comment from a sibling who only talks to me about once every 8 months, “what a bot mom and pop”. First thought in my mind was, “what about mom and pop”. My parents do not attempt two-way relationships. They have gone in the hospital and not told anyone, much less me. They have had medical and financial issues and have never shared those issues with me. In fact I normally only hear about my parents issues from one of my siblings and almost always “after the fact”. I often encourage my parents to call. The typical answer is “I did” but the phone was busy or no one answered. I have a new phone, caller ID, call waiting, answering machine, etc. Fact is the calls were not made.
Does “family” automatically warrant connection? And if so is the act of connecting a one-way street? I have kept every written communication provided to me by my parents. Anytime I am in their “area” I visit. Oh and yes I have always had a working phone. Yet when I add up the times parents or most family have initiated contact I find that there is less than one event a year. So now I wonder is a one-way street relationship acceptable. After all they are family.
I look to my immediate family for the answer. The answer to one-way relationships are defiantly no, regardless of whether they are family or not. Relationships are a two-way event. It makes no difference whether I am taking pictures, writing letters, shooting pistols, playing video games, etc. Children need to see parents involved in their lives. It is time consuming, it is sometime not fun, it is often very fun. It is also the bedrock of building a true relationship. As my kids are growing up and spreading their wings I am realizing I have to be creative and yes initiate connections as they are starting to have busy lives and will not make the time or have the to respond because they are busy being young adults. It’s ok. I as a parent should continue to connect, communicate, and whenever possible be a part of their lives it is my part of the two way relationship.
To my parents and siblings that are not happy with my lack of communication or connection I challenge you to look back on the last time you initiated or pursued relationship. Or was the last time “we talked” a result of me calling you. If you can not initiate and be a part of a two-way relationship then your expectations of me need to be drastically lowered. I respond to those who want to be a part. For those who do not respond in kind I will be cordial, but distant. And it really does not make a difference if we share the last name or not.
So to answer my siblings question “what a bot mom and pop”? I reply I am waiting for their phone call, be happy to hear from them
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